Ask the Ghost ~ 001

[Charlie the Ghost]

The skies darken, and there is an evident air of a presence that surrounds you. The birds and bugs cease to make a sound, and the very air itself becomes icy cold. The wind dies down, and everything is still... for a few moments. Then, there is a voice.

Hurr-hurr-hee. Go'cha!
Chaahley the Gewst is 'ere!!

All o' ye ready? It's toime for the first-ever episode of Ask the Gewst!!
I got three questions here, so let's get to it!
Question numbeh wun!


"Charlie, I have to ask, what other novels have you read?"

Wot other novels 'ave I read? Well 'ere on Caligo we get awll koinds, from awll over the wurld. I've read more books than you knew existed. No sarkey! Lots o' novels in there, plenty you've never 'eard of. Here's some as wot I've read, though, which you might've come across at one point 'r'nother. Lots of 'um are only from Caligo, but they're some o' me favorites. Juss off the top o' me head...

George and the Picnic, Ye Dragone's Blod, The Phantom of the Opera, James and Kirk: Being the First of Two Parts Telling of the Adventures of a Little-Known Crew of Seafarering Tailors, The Endless Winter Night, The Great Gatsby, Room 513, Crime and Punishment, Bozzlehead, Sherlock Holmes, The Purplejuiceberries of Ypt, The Three Musketeers, Catch-22, Beowulf, Pennywether Foray, Hungry for Ghouls, As I Lay Dying, Rebellious Pockets, Lord of the Rings, Effi Briest, The Secret Garden, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, First Love, Morrow Dale Nights, Portions and Pain, Dune, Wuthering Heights, The Jeweled Pipe, The Count of Monte Cristo, Gulliver's Travels, Ignatius Prime, Under an Unquiet Sun, Alaqatra: A Comedy in Four Acts, Six and Ten, Treasure Island, Goldfish Bowl, Polli Goes to School, Invisible Man, Great Expectations, Lorna Doone, A Ghost Treads Softly, The Borrowers, Don Quixote, Dream Grinder, Dracula, Guilty Pleasures, Through the Looking Glass, Peter Pan, A Christmas Carol, Neverboys, Discworld, Echoes of Banshees, Frankenstein, Weasible, No Body...

Feeul free to ask me about any o' those. I'll tells ya awll about 'em, I will.
Maybe I'll share some o' me own novels as well! We'll 'ave to see about that.

Righty-o, then. On to the nex' question!!


"Do ghosts use utensils?"

Why o'course we does! We use yewtensuls awll the toime. We use yewtuensuls for awll kinds o' things, right as right. At least I does. Mostly for hauntin'. I tends to stay away from knoives and other really dangerous yewtensuls, though. People'll think 'fraidy thoughts. Dinnerware is great. Have you ever seen a dinner fork prod an old berk out of his dossing? There he is, takin' a nice nap under some tree or other, a little afternoon kip, and then POKE! right under the ribs! They wakes up awll jabberin' and a-sputterin', daft as daft and none the wiser! Hurr-hurr-hee. Oi but it's rich!

Here, 'nuther example. Say f'rinstance I levitate a can-opener. I can sneak up on a cat, or maybe an old gaffer smokin' a spliff, right? So there they sit, awll by 'emselves and unawares. I comes up behind 'em and give the metal gears a bit of a turning. Awll sorts o' stuff 'appens! Sometimes they'll bugger off for the hills like they's being 'aunted, hmm-hmm-hee. Often the gears'll snag a bunch of hair, see, then awll bloody hell breaks loose. Oi 'tis a sight to watch, and no porky!

Ye can use juss'bout any yewtensul for hauntin'. Juss takes a bit of nous and creative thinkin', a dash of cheek, and a whole bunch o' divvy ideas. (The daft ones are some o' the most brilliant, I tells ye. Hoo-hoo-hee.)

So there ye go. Bob's-yer-uncle.

And be'oind door numbeh three...?


"How does one go about being a Poltergeist? Charlie, can you help me?"

Now here's a tricky question. See, first'v'awll, to be a Polchergoist you gotta be dead. Well maybe not, if you were like a ninjer. 'Xcept ninjers probaly don't use their sneakin' skills for hauntin' folk and poltergiestry. So, right... better stick with dead. And acktchually it's even harder: you gotta be a gewst, which means o'course that you die unhappaly. Lok with unfinished business, and that.

Now, how could I help a new gewst with poltergeistry hauntin'? Well, if you're not a gewst yet, I can makes you into one. It's easy; I just lead you off a cliff, or drop a knoife onto ya whoile you're asleep, or sum'other. After the initial wibbling wears off it takes a bit o' welly to get the hang of things, but really it's awll down hill. Pretty soon, if you're spawny, I'll be able to show you some spiffing tips to get yer hauntin' started off proper.

Poltergeistry is great. I remember one toime when me third cousin's step-nephew was gettin' on in years. Pernickety git he was, awll precise and proper and that, had a bloody Inklaw for a shade. He started thinkin' gewsts weren't real, started tellin' folk as much. Couldn't have that; it's more fun when folk know they're being 'aunted and can't do a thing about it. So I says to meself, I says, "Oi Chaahley, best teach the old bloke a lesson." So I figures poltergeistry'll do the trick. Long story short, I camp out at 'is house for a couple o' weeks, switchin' his salt and sugar, makin' his teapot pour too slow or too fast, throwin' soupspoons at his nightcap, openin' and closin' creaky cubbard doors, tossing his crisps about the table when he wasn't lookin', flushin' the lavy... yunnow, this'n'that. Drove the bugger sixes-and-sevens! Right smashing bit of poltergiestry that was. Hurr-hurr-hee.


Well, that's awll for this episode of Ask the Gewst! Jolly mob of a crowd you awll are, and no mistake! Gets me awll chuffed and blushin', me face would 'ave gone bright pillar-box red. Doesn't work so well as a gewst... but that's wot makes loife intrestin'!

Thanks awfully for readin', and I'll haunt ye again in twoo weeks!
Tally-ho, and that!

And tell awll yer friends,
Chaahley says BEW!!

---

The voice fades. Everything is still... for a few moments more. The gentle breeze resumes creating soft swirls in the unending mist. The air seems less icy, the bugs and birds seem to return as if there had never been a gap in their ambient whisperings. The shade over the sky rolls back. All is as it was. ...for now....