Keeping Relationships Alive

[Kathryn Lacey]

Many of you may or may not know that I am involved in a long distance relationship with Misery, and we are very happy together.

However, we have had our share of rockiness that we've had to overcome, and a long distance relationship isn't easy. For that matter, relationships in general aren't easy. I've had my share of both long distance relationships and relationships where my partner was near enough that I could see that person on a daily basis.

Misery and I have been together since October 26th, 2008. Before him, my longest relationship was only seven months, and I got to see that guy a couple of days each week.

It's not the distance that has enabled me to have a long, successful relationship. It's how I've been able to grow and change, and I've become far better at compromising with my lover to make sure we're both happy. Selfishness is a surefire way to end a relationship because it has to be about both people and not just about one. If someone spends the entire time trying to make their lover happy without their lover returning anything, the relationship cannot work.


Anyway, what prompted my making this new thread is that I've been trying to find ways to keep a spark in my current relationship. I realized that last time I visited with him, we committed ourselves to several activities to share, and that in turn led us to be a lot happier than on past visits with one another. It caused me to want to brainstorm more ideas for things that can keep a relationship alive both when I'm with him and when we're apart.


I thought it would be great if others on FoG could talk about this, too, and maybe make their own realizations and insights.

This thread isn't just about talking about activities to do with one's significant other. This thread is about discussing relationships in general and about discussing ways to keep things working and to keep everyone in said relationships happy.

Some on FoG are single and some have lovers. No matter who you are or what your relationship status, feel free to contribute. ^^_^^

[Kalon Ordona II]

It's just what you said: love is given before it is received -- and yet it is received before it is given. But love cannot be given where it is not received, and cannot be received where it is not given. That's the simple formula for a working relationship: that you give love, whether you receive it back at the same time or not. It can't work if it's only romantic love; it should be unconditional love as well. (But you need both; unconditional without romantic is a bad situation for couples.) As well, it won't work if the relationship is one-sided. Patience should be involved, but there should be a limit.

So, in a relationship there must be love. What is love, and how does one give love?

True Love is a sacrifice. It's putting the other person before yourself. (So don't give romantic love if you can't trust that other person.)
True Love is not mere gratification -- that will wear out quick as a flash. Despite this obvious pattern, people still do it and wonder why they end up in a string of hookups and breakups.

When done properly, each person in a romantic couple ends up "owning" and protecting the other. By owning I don't mean some perverse objectification, but a mutual submission to one another's reasonable, healthful desires and wishes. You each strive for the other's well being, at the same time putting yourself in their hands, so to speak. It's constantly giving yourself to the other person, mutually. You honor them according to how much they mean to you (and whether you happen to feel like it at the moment or not.)

Don't keep giving the gift if it's being trampled on, but don't simply walk away either. All relationships will have problems. The solution, however much us guys might not like it, is talking. And for girls, "I'm fine" won't work either. It takes communication and honor. If you honor the other person, you'll try to understand them. If you can understand them, then you can make the proper adjustments.

What's the key to understanding someone?
I always like to point to Miller's Law.
To understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of. -- George Miller

It isn't easy, but there it is. It takes practice to get your own ideas out of the way and try to understand it from their perspective. It's like people always say: "Hey, put yourself in my shoes!" What they're really saying is that they want you to truly understand the way they see it, their desires and goals relating to the situation, without yet injecting your own into the mix.

It also helps to keep from arguing. How? Discussion instead. xD Come up with a device you both agree upon. My parents, long ago, had a cute little wax turtle that they randomly selected one day to indicate whose turn it was to speak. It's now famous in our family as The Peace Turtle.


In summary -- and at the risk of seeming terribly childish -- do what the Carebears always say. Share your feelings, and care.

[Gadreille]

Few people can truly master unconditional love. We all have conditions, whether we realize them or not.

The key to an outstanding relationship is, when conditions are not met, to include forgiveness and compromise. If your love is truly unconditional, then at some point in your relationship forgiveness and compromise will be called upon. Probably many times.

It can be something small, like failing to do a chore. It can be something big, like your partner cheating on you. Bet you didn't think of that as a condition! It is taken as a given. Yet, couples all over the US divorce for this very reason. Whether they cheated, or wanted to cheat, etc.

If their love was truly unconditional, they would forgive, and compromise. The compromise? The cheated loses trust, and the cheater must work hard to earn it again. If the cheater continues, then they did not compromise, and the relationship is a lost cause.

I'm not trying to say cheating is OK. It is absolutely not ok, and it is a condition that will likely never go away. But if the person is worth it, I think forgiveness is worth it, but only if they work hard to never do such a thing again. An example of a bad cheating scenario is my friend H, who knows that her husband is cheating on her but never confronts him, or when she does he lies. That is NOT ok. That is NOT a discussion, and that is not compromise. That is her, being used by a man who isn't worth the ground she walks on.

I've found that a great way to avoid this problem is to talk about it. Employee X hitting on you at work, and having trouble fighting it off? Talk to your spouse about it! The best way to get through a hard time is to get through it together.

I guess another key aspect is: It takes two. One cannot have a good relationship if only they are trying, and not their spouse.

I just used cheating as an example because it is something that happens everywhere, but I believe these ideas can come into use in other situations, such as financial issues, family issues, etc. Silvone and I have been through a lot, and sticking together is what has got us through it all. I have trouble formulating into words what our unconditional love means, because many see the translation as a bad relationship. I can assure you...it is not.

[Bird of Hermes]

To understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of. -- George Miller

I have always loved that quote and you are right - it relates perfectly to love.

Few people can truly master unconditional love. We all have conditions, whether we realize them or not.

I took a Philosophy of Christianity course my senior year in high school. We discussed this in length. We came to a similar conclusion: it is almost impossible for humans to posses unconditional love because, if you look hard enough, there is always a condition.

[Kalon Ordona II]

Well yes, it is impossible for imperfect beings to have unconditional love on their own, but we're still supposed to try. ^^ If you didn't love them unconditionally at least to some degree, you wouldn't be forgiving them in the first place. It's because you value them as a person, and because you value the connection between you and care for the other's wellbeing as well as your own, that there's a willingness to compromise and work through problems.

[Gadreille]

Kathryn, whether near or far it takes a lot of work to keep that spark alive. Sometimes lifestyles make it even more difficult. Right now, Silvone and I don't even sleep at the same time, let alone have time to spend together. At the moment, we bond through Theoden, enjoying the ups and struggling through the downs of parenthood together.

Oddly enough, sometimes the moments I treasure the most with Silvone is just going on a car ride somewhere, like to school which is a good 30 minutes. 30 minutes in a confined area where we can talk about anything from daily activities to the philosophies of life and death is perfect to just reconnect and share some intimate time together. On the lonely roads out to the college, there is little distraction especially compared with at home which has TVs, computers, dogs and Taeo running around. (It helps that Taeo is very good in the car).

Perhaps for you, Kathryn, would be a trip in which you guys traveled together rather than seperately to a unique location. Just a thought!

[Kathryn Lacey]

I believe unconditional love is possible. I mean, just because someone breaks a relationship condition doesn't mean the love for the faulted one will evaporate. I know that if Misery ever cheated on me - which I doubt will ever happen - I would still love him, I just wouldn't be able to be with him any more. There's a difference between love and self-preservation after all.

Ryona, I think it's great that Taeo is a good way for you two to bond when you hardly have time for one another. It would be strange, I think, to live with my lover and hardly see him. Then again, I guess it wouldn't be so different from my current situation.

I'm sure there will be a day when we can travel together rather than separately. At the moment, it's simply more affordable to travel separately. Plane tickets are expensive.

When we were in Oregon, we did travel for about an hour to get to Seaside to enable me to see the ocean. We didn't talk much, but I'm okay with that. Sometimes, I just like to comfortably share silence with him. I've never really felt like I could do that with others in the past. I

always felt like silence was a void that needed to be filled, but I've realized that sometimes it's not a void at all. I still feel connected even if nothing is being said.

[Sighlent]

This is just how it is for me, but...

I know that this is kinda a touchy subject but whether people understand or believe it or not is up to them, but sex is a very critical factor in relationships. It's not the having it part that I'm necessarily talking about but the having had that can play off in the end. Before I met my husband I was a virgin. 100% in that I had NEVER done anything else besides kissing with another boy. However, for him...well I'm not going to necessarily say that he was a slut although that is what I'm getting at but...he's been around the block and back again a few times. And yes, this can be bothersome but I'm telling you now it is ALWAYS better to know than not know. I learned this the hard way.

Especially if you're in the situation where you were not your partners first love.

Don't be afraid to ask questions! Because if you ignore it and say it doesn't bother you it eventually will. Not to mention it is always nice to know that you're not contracting anything that you can't wash off from another person. Just saying. Anyway back to my point. For the longest time with my husband Jimmy, when we were just dating I pretended like I didn't care who he'd been with or any of that. But when I started noticing from his sisters that practically all of their friends had some point been with Jimmy it started bothering me. Especially since they were always over at his house when I wasn't there because they were staying with his sister or something.

I'm not going to say he was unfaithful because he never did physically cheat on me but the emotional scars ARE there, even to this day. In a relationship you HAVE to ask questions or else you're only going to get hurt in the end. Given I was relentless and never gave up on him and now we're very, very happily married but still. I know that it's not always like this.

[Kaito]

I would just like to interrupt my lurking with a quick statement:
I'd be glad to have a relationship at all.
That's all.

[Bird of Hermes]

I would just like to interrupt my lurking with a quick statement:
I'd be glad to have a relationship at all.
That's all.

I have never been in a romantic relationship either. 'Tis all good.

[Gadreille]

Getting a relationship and keeping one are two very different things. I totally lucked out with Silvone. We met as kids (16) and we were literally the only two people in that entire school who were suitable for each other. It's been over six years now, two years married, and I still wonder if it was luck or fate that brought us together...
But no amount of luck (or fate, for that matter) can help us get through hard times. That is completely up to us. At least...that is what I believe

[Sighlent]

Yeah all through out High School I was in this awkward stage where no guy so much as paid me a second glance...or a first one at that. I mean I was one of those geeky band chicks who spent way to much time either in the band hall or the library reading. I mean I got along great with guys and like them and all but none of them seemed to return my affections beyond friendship. You know that song by Taylor Swift "You Belong With Me"? Well as she is portrayed in the video was basically how I was. Only I played the Trumpet lol.

Anyway, not even two months after Graduation I started working and started living outside of the ways of High School and hey! Boys started noticing me! I became WAY more confident with myself and then bam...I met Jimmy and it was love! Even if I was technically a bet.

[Kaito]

I would just like to interrupt my lurking with a quick statement:
I'd be glad to have a relationship at all.
That's all.

I have never been in a romantic relationship either. 'Tis all good.

How about it? Long distance relationship?

[Guest]

Getting a relationship and keeping one are two very different things.

I agree with that. I've had my share of boyfriends, most of them for at least 5 months. Most of those were during my teenage years. Which means there were a lot of mistakes done, back and forth, but in the end, none of them lasted. I can't point to one case in them all, because it wasn't just one thing.

Sometimes I think it takes trying, sometimes it takes waiting. And sometimes you just have some figuring out to do.

If you want a partner, what would you want in your partner. That's hard to know when you haven't had any relationships but think about the times when you feel so lonely, and you don't know which of your friends to turn to, because none of that have just that quality that you need. I don't know how to explain that better, but I hope you understand that feeling. That's what I think is a good quality to try and find in a partner.

I'll take myself as an example: when I feel that lonely I want someone strong, not physically but mentally. And I know some strong people, but I want someone that can take anything my mind might throw at them. I have a lot of different interests, quirks, ideas, impulses and opinions. I want someone that can hear about the darkest things and not feel uncomfortable. Still someone that realizes that just because I think it doesn't mean I mean it.
And those qualities are harder to find than someone that's just attractive. To distill it:
I want someone I can lain on when it gets rough, even if the rough part is just in my mind.

And even if someone would want to have the same quality in a partner, it still wouldn't be the same. Because my rock, won't be as your rock, because we're different.

So think hard on what's most important that you want in your partner, and everything else that are qualities that you like? They are just icing on the cake.

And the most important things about relationships that the others have said too:
It takes two.

[Kaito]

And the most important things about relationships that the others have said too:
It takes two.

Which means I'm only lacking one more person

on a more serious note, I've had a person like you said, Miss Dagger. We have been really close. As close as you can get without having a relationship. That was because she already was in a relationship when I even met her (when she moved in this town to study, long distance relationship since then, she's going to move back this summer), and she really loved him and still does. Bad luck.

[Kathryn Lacey]

Sighlent, I completely agree that talking about sex is an important factor, but that also goes into communication, period. If someone refuses to talk about anything, a relationship can't work. It's like one partner is keeping secrets from another.

Misery and I haven't had very many sexual partners though he has had a few more than me. I've only ever had two, including him. I don't think it's so bad that we weren't each others' firsts because our previous experiences helped us to understand things and to grow as people. It's like those experiences got us ready for one another by teaching us things about it, and I don't just mean technique. I mean emotionally and mentally.

He understands that for me, sex isn't just about the physical appeal. He knows that I have to be completely comfortable with everything, or I'm not going to be into it. My first lover didn't understand this at all, and it developed a lot of stress in our relationship.

It's good that Misery and I can be so open with one another about things, and we can understand one another. I'm sure the fact that we can easily communicate allows us a greater understanding. It's also important that we're both able to listen to one another with open ears, open hearts, and open minds. If someone doesn't allow themselves to absorb what their partner is trying to explain, things are going to get bad pretty quickly.

You're right about sex-talks being important to ensure that everyone is clean from STD's, but sex is also about trust. One shouldn't have sex with one they don't trust because that person could carry something they were unwilling to discuss.

Misery and I have had every test done to check for anything from STD's to HIV's to Herpes - even though the last one really cost me a pretty penny because my insurance didn't cover it. Getting those tests was more important than the cost, though, because if we didn't get all of the tests, one of us could have been carrying something unknown to us.

It only takes one sexual act to pass something unsavory to the next person, after all.

Ryona, I think it's cool that you married your high school sweetheart. When I was in high school, I wasn't really suited to the guys I dated. When I was sixteen, I dated a guy who was twenty-two, and he became my first lover, but his mentality was such that it was like dating a fourteen year old who imagined himself a man. It was awful, and he didn't know anything about having a good relationship. Then again, I didn't, either, but it was a huge learning experience.

I used to wish that my first lover would also be my last ((in such a way that means I'd be with them for the rest of our lives)), but I've learned that it's not important. I'm much happier in my second serious relationship than I ever was in my first, but I still applaud those who were able to find their match on the first real try.

You could call it luck, or you could call it dedication. Perhaps it's a bit of both? After all, it wasn't luck that caused you to maintain the relationship you two share. Luck may have simply enabled it by allowing you two to find one another.

Felicia, that's completely understandable. Misery is probably the only person to whom I can disclose some of the less appealing qualities or thoughts I have. I love my friends, and I'm close with a couple of them, but there are things I could never tell them that I can tell Misery.

I think it's because when you have a special someone, one trusts that one may confide in her or him without them being filled with repulsion and leaving. Being in a relationship hinges on trust of all kinds, but that's one of them that is the hardest to discern, and it probably takes the longest to build.

You have to be careful when picking and choosing important qualities in a partner, though. If you expect your idea of Mr. Perfect to come along, and he turns out to have a few flaws you don't want or he's lacking some qualities you want, you may end what could be a beautiful thing. I'm not saying people should just settle, but what someone decides is perfect is likely not to exist. Mr. Right may not be Mr. Perfect, but he could still be a wonderful match.

Also, don't forget that your idea of Mr. Perfect may not not consider you their right match. It's sad when that happens, but it's something to keep in mind.

It seems that's what happened to you, Kaito. I hope you find someone like that who feels the same about you.

[Guest]

Yes, Kathryn, that's why I tried to stress that it's important to only choose one quality. Because some things are a must-have. I must have someone that can take all my thoughts and emotions and not be repulsed or so. I know myself well enough to know I'm odd, or quirky, or whatever you want to call it. I definitely have odd moments, and I haven't yet been comfortable to tell all of my strangeness to anyone, mostly because it's so hard to explain.

Of course, there's things I'd like in a partner, but what I think I want isn't necessarily what I need. I only know that I need someone that understands me, other than that I try not to put anything more into the "must-haves". Because than it will be impossible to find someone. As you said. Mr Perfect might not exist, but Mr Right can.

There's never a guarantee in life, unfortunately. Love is no different, however much we might wish it was.

[Attie]

My grandfather told me this when I went on my first date.

"This date isn't about finding Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect. And the dates that follow won't be about forever. This date is about finding out what you like and don't like, and then finding someone who's not perfect, but just so wonderfully imperfect that they meet all of your needs and all of your distastes. Don't find a guy who won't treat you right, no. But find a guy who you'll always want to take back. Find your perfect imperfection, and when you do, don't let them go.

Love is not jealous. Love is not vengeful. Love knows no boundaries. Love finds you when you're not looking for it, and hides behind facades when you're lonely. Do not mistake loneliness' lust for love, and do not mistake a lovely fate, a lovely day, for coincidence."

[Kathryn Lacey]

That's a really great thing that your grandfather said to you, Attie. I think it rings with truth.

[Guest]

I agree with Kathryn. That was a truly beautiful thing to read. Thank you for sharing with us.

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