Re: FOG Writing Contest 10/14/12 WINNER!

by Guest Thu Oct 11, 2012 8:36 pm

So, we're going to put a small extension on the judging of this contest to the 14th instead of the 12th, just to give the judges who have had a busy month a little extra time. Life and all that jazz. Smile

by Guest Sun Oct 14, 2012 11:50 pm

Okay, so we were waiting on Sunwolf to post but today is the deadline and he hasn't been on for 24 hours. I'm not going to wait or force you guys to wait any longer and we'll just go by mine and Ysopet's judging results. Again, things would have been better if we'd had more judges' results but also things would have been better if we had more participants. Oh, well, there's always the next contest! ^^

I was really surprised and happy with these entries and I thank everyone who took the time and effort to participate. Now, onwards!

_______________________________________________________________________________

First place with an average of 84 points: Gadrielle!

Second, with average of 83 points: Kalon Ordona II!

Ten's Judging Results

Spoiler:

Spirit of the Game/Kalon Ordona II wrote:

------------------ STORY ------------------

STORYTELLING, 10 points 8

“Was it clear to me why the story is taking place?”
( Agree (3) )
“Did I like how the story unfolds?”
( Yes (2) )
Did the narrative seamlessly identify what was important in the story and put due focus on those things?”
( Agree (3) )

SETTING, 10 points 6

"Did I always have a clear picture in my mind of the surroundings?"
( Neutral (2) )
"Is the character integrated with the surroundings?"
( Neutral (2))
"Did everything in the setting serve to further the story?"
( Yes (2) )

PACING, 10 points 9

"Did I want to know what happened next?"
( Strongly Agree (4))
"Did the speed of each scene match the intended mood?"
( Strongly Agree (4))
"Did nothing jar my journey through the words?"
( Somewhat (1) )

------------------ CHARACTER ------------------

COMMUNICATION, 10 points 8

"Does each character's style and frequency of communication match who and what they are?"
( Agree (3))
"Did the characters feel real when they spoke or communicated?"
( Agree (3))
Is all the communication consistent with the setting?"
( Yes (2) )

ACTIONS, 10 points 9

"Do each character's strategies and actions match who and what they are?"
( Strongly Agree (4))
"Do each character's actions help define who and what they are?"
( Strongly Agree (4))
"Do each character's actions feel plausible and relevant?"
(Somewhat (1))

PERSONA, 10 points 9

"Do the character's thoughts match their personality?"
( Strongly Agree (4))
"Are the emotions at believable levels? Not under- or overdone?"
( Somewhat (1))
"Do the character's thoughts help define their personality?"
( Strongly Agree (4))

------------------ PROSE ------------------

MECHANICS, 10 points 9

"Is all the punctuation correct?"
( Strongly Agree (4) )
"Is all the spelling correct?"
( Agree (3))
"How seamless or impressive was the writer's usage and style?"
( Very (2) )

CLARITY, 10 points 7

"Is everything said that needs to be said?"
( Neutral (2))
"Do all the sentences make sense?"
( Strongly Agree (4))
"Was it easy to incorporate new information as the story progressed?"
( Somewhat (1) )

STYLE AND FLAIR, 10 points 9

"Did I like the use of any flashbacks, foreshadowing, metaphors, or other literary devices?"
( Strongly Agree (4) )
"Did I like the use of any vocabulary words or made-up words?"
( Agree (3))
"Does it feel like the author is comfortable in their style?"
( Very (2) )

------------------ JUDGE'S CHOICE ------------------

EXTRA 10 points 8

"Is there something unusual I want to award points for?"
"Is there one or two things that were just so awesome that they deserve extra points?"
Was I impressed with creativity or some other display of brilliance?"

(10 pts.) (9 pts.) (8 pts.) (7 pts.) (6 pts.) (5 pts.) (4 pts.) (3 pts.) (2 pts.) (1 pt.) (0 pts.)

Explain:
1. The fact that Kalon not only came up with an entirely new sport and explained it well enough that I could get into the action and understand what was going on enough to enjoy it, but he also came up with an entire new world and culture that was interesting and unique.

2. I also liked how in the beginning, several things were described and explained without just being told. It was approached as an interview given to the ruler with several game meisters asking him relevant questions. It served to inform without making me, as a reader, feel like exposition was just cheaply inserted into the narrative. It was subtle but it was information that helped flesh out what would have been lost without it.

Total Points: 82/100

Feedback:

For the most part this was extraordinary. The piece displayed an excellent style and grasp on pacing and dialogue, and there wasn't a wasted word, in my opinion. However, there were a few things that I wished had been explained a little better, or given just a bit more attention, particularly the description of the creatures. I understand that some things are better left to imagination, but for something so important to the story - the "tool" the players of this sport are using, it's importance akin to the puck or a stick in hockey - I think it deserved just a word or two more to paint the image a little better. It slowly revealed itself through descriptions of small body parts and pieces peppered along the way, but I was frustrated early on during the first race because my imagination scrambled to fit a shape to one that would work for the context - I switched from a formless floating puff ball to a slithering, flying snake and then changed it again by adding arms and tendrils when they were eventually included in the narrative.

The setting was a bit jarring in the same way, where I had the main character flipping through empty air a lot of times only to suddenly insert a "crowd" or other players into the background and suddenly he's climbing a "cliff face" when I did not imagine the islands as having those to begin with. It was a little bare but the few details were something I wished I had to begin with. There is value in revealing things at a particular time but for something so short and when the action depends on the pace going quickly, setting the scene or describing the creatures right off the bat would have gotten it out of the way and helped me enjoy it more seamlessly, rather than having to stop and reassert my vision every few seconds.

That being said, I felt very in tune with the main character and that was probably the highlight. There was nothing super extraordinary about him but you could tell he was different and thought differently than the others - which ended up making his win against all odds at the end very believable. I also really liked the idea of the sport and how it was analogous to this culture's history of survival, particularly the fact that the quick and intimate bonding with the new gammon and Rayll's "thinking outside the box" plan proved he deserved to win. He illustrated the true meaning of the gammonback by bringing to the forefront the skills that helped his ancestors survive.

Spoiler:

NWC/Gadreille wrote:

------------------ STORY ------------------

STORYTELLING, 10 points 8

“Was it clear to me why the story is taking place?”
( Strongly Agree (4))
“Did I like how the story unfolds?”
( Somewhat (1))
Did the narrative seamlessly identify what was important in the story and put due focus on those things?”
( Agree (3))

SETTING, 10 points 9

"Did I always have a clear picture in my mind of the surroundings?"
( Agree (3))
"Is the character integrated with the surroundings?"
( Strongly Agree (4))
"Did everything in the setting serve to further the story?"
( Yes (2))

PACING, 10 points 6

"Did I want to know what happened next?"
( Neutral (2))
"Did the speed of each scene match the intended mood?"
( Agree (3))
"Did nothing jar my journey through the words?"
( Somewhat (1) )

------------------ CHARACTER ------------------

COMMUNICATION, 10 points 8

"Does each character's style and frequency of communication match who and what they are?"
( Agree (3) )
"Did the characters feel real when they spoke or communicated?"
( Agree (3) )
Is all the communication consistent with the setting?"
( Yes (2) )

ACTIONS, 10 points 10

"Do each character's strategies and actions match who and what they are?"
( Strongly Agree (4) )
"Do each character's actions help define who and what they are?"
( Strongly Agree (4) )
"Do each character's actions feel plausible and relevant?"
(Yes (2) )

PERSONA, 10 points 9

"Do the character's thoughts match their personality?"
( Strongly Agree (4))
"Are the emotions at believable levels? Not under- or overdone?"
( Somewhat (1) )
"Do the character's thoughts help define their personality?"
( Strongly Agree (4))

------------------ PROSE ------------------

MECHANICS, 10 points 9

"Is all the punctuation correct?"
( Strongly Agree (4) )
"Is all the spelling correct?"
( Strongly Agree (4) )
"How seamless or impressive was the writer's usage and style?"
( Somewhat (1))

CLARITY, 10 points 8

"Is everything said that needs to be said?"
( Agree (3) )
"Do all the sentences make sense?"
( Agree (3))
"Was it easy to incorporate new information as the story progressed?"
( Very (2))

STYLE AND FLAIR, 10 points 9

"Did I like the use of any flashbacks, foreshadowing, metaphors, or other literary devices?"
( Strongly Agree (4))
"Did I like the use of any vocabulary words or made-up words?"
( Agree (3) )
"Does it feel like the author is comfortable in their style?"
( Very (2) )

------------------ JUDGE'S CHOICE ------------------

EXTRA 10 points 5

"Is there something unusual I want to award points for?"
"Is there one or two things that were just so awesome that they deserve extra points?"
Was I impressed with creativity or some other display of brilliance?"

(10 pts.) (9 pts.) (8 pts.) (7 pts.) (6 pts.) (5 pts.) (4 pts.) (3 pts.) (2 pts.) (1 pt.) (0 pts.)

Explain:

I would like to award extra points for the small memories put in or references to how long and how hard the main character has been working to perfect herself for playing this sport.

Total Points: 81/100

Feedback:

This was a really good entry. I liked the style and the small details about the main character's background helped make her likable and easy to relate to. Also, as far as the sport goes, you explained the rules very well, revealing things when they became relevant without too much of a hiccup in the action. It was a bit chaotic though and hard to follow the ball at times. The action itself was a bit uninteresting and the most suspenseful parts were in the end while Ellie waits to get back into the game. You can just feel her squirming on the sidelines, itching to jump into the pool and do what she does best - especially since now she has the perfect motivation for it too, with the recruiter watching.

Congratulations Gadrielle and thank you both for participating! Very Happy

(even though things are shorter this time, I think we should just start the trend of judge's posting their own results, so I'll let Ysopet post his when he comes back online; I just wanted to get these results posted by the deadline)

by **Kathryn Lacey** Mon Oct 15, 2012 10:15 am

Congratulations, Gadreille!

It looks like Gadreille and Kalon were neck-and-neck on this! That's freaking awesome!

Anyway, I stuck the winning entry in the Hall of Fame. ^^_^^

by **Gadreille** Mon Oct 15, 2012 10:29 am

We practically tied!!! XD

Kalon, did you have as hard a time with yours as I did mine? I never felt so lost! Very Happy

Thanks, Judges, for your hard work.

Ten, I completely agree with your assessment of my piece. Every criticism I had of it you caught ~_^

Ysopet won't be home for a few hours, but I'm sure he'll post them up right away when he gets home.

by Guest Mon Oct 15, 2012 3:32 pm

Gadreille

Spoiler:

NWC/Gadreille wrote:

------------------ STORY ------------------

STORYTELLING, 10 points

“Was it clear to me why the story is taking place?”
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
“Did I like how the story unfolds?”
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )
Did the narrative seamlessly identify what was important in the story and put due focus on those things?”
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )

SETTING, 10 points

"Did I always have a clear picture in my mind of the surroundings?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Is the character integrated with the surroundings?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Did everything in the setting serve to further the story?"
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )

PACING, 10 points

"Did I want to know what happened next?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Did the speed of each scene match the intended mood?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Did nothing jar my journey through the words?"
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )

------------------ CHARACTER ------------------

COMMUNICATION, 10 points

"Does each character's style and frequency of communication match who and what they are?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Did the characters feel real when they spoke or communicated?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
Is all the communication consistent with the setting?"
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )

ACTIONS, 10 points

"Do each character's strategies and actions match who and what they are?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Do each character's actions help define who and what they are?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Do each character's actions feel plausible and relevant?"
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )

PERSONA, 10 points

"Do the character's thoughts match their personality?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Are the emotions at believable levels? Not under- or overdone?"
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )
"Do the character's thoughts help define their personality?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )

------------------ PROSE ------------------

MECHANICS, 10 points

"Is all the punctuation correct?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Is all the spelling correct?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"How seamless or impressive was the writer's usage and style?"
( Very (2), Somewhat (1), Not at all (0) )

CLARITY, 10 points

"Is everything said that needs to be said?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Do all the sentences make sense?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Was it easy to incorporate new information as the story progressed?"
( Very (2), Somewhat (1), Not at all (0) )

STYLE AND FLAIR, 10 points

"Did I like the use of any flashbacks, foreshadowing, metaphors, or other literary devices?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Did I like the use of any vocabulary words or made-up words?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1), Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Does it feel like the author is comfortable in their style?"
( Very (2), Somewhat (1), Not at all (0) )

------------------ JUDGE'S CHOICE ------------------

EXTRA 10 points

"Is there something unusual I want to award points for?"
"Is there one or two things that were just so awesome that they deserve extra points?"
Was I impressed with creativity or some other display of brilliance?"

(10 pts.) (9 pts.) (8 pts.) (7 pts.) (6 pts.) (5 pts.) (4 pts.) (3 pts.) (2 pts.) (1 pt.) (0 pts.)

Explain: I absolutely love that the story begins with Dakota in the middle of the game, being an aggressive character that is completely involved, and then finishes with her as a spectator. It gives two different view points to the story that show the reader not only what it is like to play, but also what it is like to watch, especially when the spectator is invested. Her use of the penalty box, counting down the seconds with each play (as well as the revelation of the recruiters) added so much to the story. Overall, the story was well written. But for me, the stint in the penalty box is what made the story.

Total Points: 87/100

Feedback: This is a hard story to read, I will admit. Sports stories are anyway... for me. However, anyone who can stick with it and absorb the necessary details and slow spots is in for a reward. I find my heart unexpectedly racing toward the end of the story.
My only real issue with the story is that there is very little in terms of "characters." What I mean by that is this: Dakota has a personal stake in this game. Obviously everyone does, but Dakota wants to go pro, and in the penalty box she learns of recruiters. But this is the only opportunity for the reader to learn who she is, rather than what she is (an aggressive player). There is very little in the way of thoughts, very minimal dialogue, etc. Actions are what drive the story, and that is expected of a story based on sports. But it makes it difficult to get a sense of the characters other than parts of the sport itself. Each player, though named and described rather well, were not much set apart from the yellow ball. In all honestly, I can't tell you how to fix that...or even that it is really much of a problem. Again, sports stories aren't my thing.

Overall, excellent employment of the penalty box and the countdown.

Kalon Ordona II

Spoiler:

Spirit of the Game/Kalon Ordona II wrote:

------------------ STORY ------------------

STORYTELLING, 10 points

“Was it clear to me why the story is taking place?”
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
“Did I like how the story unfolds?”
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )
Did the narrative seamlessly identify what was important in the story and put due

focus on those things?”
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )

SETTING, 10 points

"Did I always have a clear picture in my mind of the surroundings?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Is the character integrated with the surroundings?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Did everything in the setting serve to further the story?"
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )

PACING, 10 points

"Did I want to know what happened next?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Did the speed of each scene match the intended mood?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Did nothing jar my journey through the words?"
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )

------------------ CHARACTER ------------------

COMMUNICATION, 10 points

"Does each character's style and frequency of communication match who and what they

are?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Did the characters feel real when they spoke or communicated?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
Is all the communication consistent with the setting?"
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )

ACTIONS, 10 points

"Do each character's strategies and actions match who and what they are?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Do each character's actions help define who and what they are?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Do each character's actions feel plausible and relevant?"
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )

PERSONA, 10 points

"Do the character's thoughts match their personality?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Are the emotions at believable levels? Not under- or overdone?"
( Yes (2), Somewhat (1), No (0) )
"Do the character's thoughts help define their personality?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )

------------------ PROSE ------------------

MECHANICS, 10 points

"Is all the punctuation correct?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Is all the spelling correct?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"How seamless or impressive was the writer's usage and style?"
( Very (2), Somewhat (1), Not at all (0) )

CLARITY, 10 points

"Is everything said that needs to be said?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Do all the sentences make sense?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Was it easy to incorporate new information as the story progressed?"
( Very (2), Somewhat (1), Not at all (0) )

STYLE AND FLAIR, 10 points

"Did I like the use of any flashbacks, foreshadowing, metaphors, or other literary

devices?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Did I like the use of any vocabulary words or made-up words?"
( Strongly Agree (4), Agree (3), Neutral (2), Disagree (1),

Strongly Disagree (0) )
"Does it feel like the author is comfortable in their style?"
( Very (2), Somewhat (1), Not at all (0) )

------------------ JUDGE'S CHOICE ------------------

EXTRA 10 points

"Is there something unusual I want to award points for?"
"Is there one or two things that were just so awesome that they deserve extra

points?"
Was I impressed with creativity or some other display of brilliance?"

(10 pts.) (9 pts.) (8 pts.) (7 pts.) (6 pts.) (5 pts.) (4 pts.)

(3 pts.) (2 pts.) (1 pt.) (0 pts.)

Explain: Kalon did a great job of placing what is normally considered a "modern" or "mundane" topic in a completely different setting. I mean, outside of gladiators and arenas, who thinks of sports in a fantasy setting? It was an interesting deviation that followed Kalon's interests and strong points in writing.

Total Points: 84/100

Feedback: This entry was (in a sense) different than what I expected (but...its Kalon!). I found it refreshing to read a sports entry that wasn't the typical sport.

Taking this path, however, made it more difficult to relate what the sport was, why it was important or entertaining, and how it is played. The setting is unlike anything we have here on Earth, so there is really nothing we can relate to it. I think Kalon did a good job of painting a solid setting, and then placing his characters into it. My only problem was that the characters, other than the main character and his gammon, did not really have a solid picture to me. They were names as placeholders without a sense of who they were or their part in the game. They all have a part, don't get me wrong, but it just didn't feel important. Compared with the main character, of course, their parts were not important. But I found myself skimming over their names, which I don't think is a good thing.

I am unsure about how it was set up. It was interesting, and kudos for the effort, but splitting it up with the questions/commentary in the middle, for me, kind of ruined the momentum. There was also a quote that mysteriously ended with no punctuation... Again later on, though that one was explained. However it should have "ended this way..." rather than "this way"

A very enjoyable story, Kalon, and definitely kudos for deviating from something we all know and can relate with!

by Guest Mon Oct 15, 2012 3:32 pm

Congrats to both contestants for such great entries!

by Tartra Mon Oct 15, 2012 3:49 pm

Congratulations, you two!

by **Kalon Ordona II** Tue Oct 16, 2012 5:46 am

Did I have a hard time?
Probably the hardest thing was making sure I didn't write myself into a corner. xD The sport had to be just so, and the creatures had to be just so, and I had to go through a phase of fiddling to get what worked, what I wanted, and the unexpected results of the interplay, all in alignment.

As for the secondary characters, they were skimmed over, yes, but I thought there was at least some personality to them all. :/ Maybe it's just because I was writing it. I try to get it across through what little dialogue I can squeeze in. Tilen was the more steady-type intellectual one (as opposed to Rayll's so-crazy-it-just-might-work approach), Syri was the one to spur things on--sort of the savvy one--and Raina was the follower, the one with the questions. *shrug* Part of the challenge of short stories. Smile

I did purposely avoid both ellipsis marks and dashes to depict the character ignoring what's being said. Ellipsis are usually for trailing off, and dashes are usually for an interruption, and this was neither. *shrug* And yeah, the one sentence that didn't have an ending. I hate finding stuff like that afterwards. xD

I also avoided an expositional description of the gammons. I knew it was probably an off choice and I probably wouldn't do it in a real story, but I thought it would be fun to see how accurate a picture people would imagine. Very Happy

You get the sense of "what the heck is this thing" alright, but it ended up working against me in the beginning. xD If I were to ask everyone to draw what they think it looks like, I wonder just how diverse the results might be. Laughing

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