Thoughts From The Heart

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image copyright fizzle-pop @ deviantart

This is just a simple little place for me to keep my thoughts and such. I figure I might as well give this a try since a lot has been on my mind lately. Let's just hope none of you decide to judge me for what I may place here. At least, I hope none of you would do that.

Ugh.
I hate when I do this to myself.

I decided to go look up some old picuters to show the chat room guys how I've changed since I've had CJ. Yes, I've put on weight and I can't seem to make it go away. I'm very self concious and I know how I look. I just wish I could change all that and go back to how I was. I've done just about everything except run myself ragged from exercising like a maniac.

me before

me last Easter

Yeah. Go on and say it. I'm so much hotter in that first picture. I look damn good and I'd love to look like that again. The second one...Not so much. You can tell I've put on weight and I just look horrible. I've got such a low self esteem and I'm not sure what to do about it. I guess I'd feel better if I could fit into a size 4 again, but that might never happen. Everyone tells me I'm pretty, but I wish someone would make me feel pretty. Anyway...I'm done for now.

I don't know how these replies work for blogs. I hope you weren't intending to keep it comment-free. If so, just let me know and I'll delete my post and stuff!

Anyway, on to the important stuff! You're making an unfair comparison by using those two pictures! The first picture is much closer up, and your mouth is hidden. That means that your body pose and your smile or lack-thereof are both completely factored out of the equation! In the close-up, we can see your eyes, which are very clear and pretty even behind the glasses, and that you have very pale and beautiful skin. Lastly, it's important to mention the hair! Your hair was extremely cute and well-styled in the first picture, and it framed your face very well!

In the second picture, you're much further from the camera, your eyes are hidden by the glare on your glasses and you're being overshadowed by your brother. Thus, we can't see your eyes or your complexion, which are two of your best features, in my opinion. [Nods.] Your hair also wasn't styled, so it didn't add that extra layer of cuteness to the picture. Honestly, the lighting was just awful for that picture and you were too far away from the camera, such that many of your wonderful features were lost to the distance!

What I'm getting at is that you're comparing a very well-taken picture to a very poorly-taken one. The only thing that could've made the first any better was if you were blowing a bubble of chewing gum when you snapped the shot. Then you'd have that sexy/cute nu punk rocker look down! On the other hand, in the second picture, you had everything working against you. No lighting, your eyes were covered by the glare, etc.

So, what's the conclusion we've arrived at? You need to treat yourself to a day of getting dolled up, so to speak! I'm not saying to pack on make-up or anything, because you don't need it. I mean, from what I've heard a tiny bit of make-up helps with coloration and preventing shine and all that, but I'm a guy; what do I know? Put on something nice, style your hair (or get it cut and dyed) and then have someone take a close-up picture of you outside in the natural lighting. Then have them take a picture of you posing for the camera in a full shot, while trying to avoid the glare on your glasses. I think you'd be surprised at just how pretty you are. You're just finding ways to highlight your flaws because you're not feeling very confident.

[Hugs.] Just remember, that girl in the first picture didn't disappear somewhere, never to return, and beauty like that isn't lost by a few pounds of unwanted weight. You just need to stop looking for flaws and start bringing out your many wonderful qualities!

So after reading Weiss's comment, him and I decided that I was going to make myself all pretty today.
Yup.

I took a shower, did my makeup and hair and then took pictures for him and Squalleh who happened to be in the chat room. XD

So....Weiss was right. He talked me into all of this and I love him for it! : D
His channeling of a departed gay helped me out a lot today. [hope that doesn't offend anyone. > 3< ] Alright...I'm taking back everything I said in the previous entry. Please, IGNORE IT! I'm too lazy to delete it. XD

So, here are some pictures from my fun this morning.


^Starting out the morning


^My outfit


^ My hair before I took a blow dryer to it


^After the blow dryer


^Final product!


^Just for Fun!



Man...My room is messy...
D:

And yes...that is my bra....that is my cleavage....
>_>

Last edited by Anaris on Sat Apr 03, 2010 1:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

As I already said in multiple forms, you look amazing. [Hugs.] This comment's just for posterity. Let it be known that Weiss approves!

Most of you on here know me as bubbly adorable Samantha with the crazy two year old who loves to talk to "the people" as he calls you all. Some of you know me for who I really am and even fewer of you know what I'm like when I'm at my lowest.

Anyway, to get back on topic...
I got into a fight with Chody the day after Easter because I was acting too depressed at his Momo's house. I apologized to him and tried to explain to him that I couldn't help it and that I can't always fake a big smile for everyone. It wears me out physically and mentally to act like I'm always Little Miss Sunshine. Of course, this resulted in him calling me a selfish bitch who only cared about herself. It wasn't long after that when I threatened to leave him because I've been so close to a mental break lately.

He has gotten better at trying to look past that day, but it still bothers him. He just doesn't understand how hard it is. I'm still dealing with a lot of things that I haven't told anyone about. I guess its about time I let all my pent up...whatever you wanna call it...out before I end up doing something stupid.

I'm still trying to deal with the fact that my dad passed away. Yes, it was almost four years ago, but it still kills me. He never got to meet CJ and I have no idea if he would have even approved. I know he would have loved CJ to death, but I still wonder what he would have said when he saw his grand baby for the first time. I miss him severely. He was my pillar of strength and he never knew that. I did some bad things when I was a kid and I never got to apologize for those things. I never even got to say goodbye and that tears me up inside and it probably always will. Plus, I've never forgiven Chody for not being there with me when I found out. He was hanging out with his friends. smoking pot and told me he was working that night.

While I've never cheated on Chody, I've had the urge to. He hardly shows me affection anymore. He says its because he is tired and he wants to rest instead of be with me, but lately we've talked and I've learned its because he isn't as attracted to me anymore. I've gained weight and I guess in doing so, I've become so self conscious about it that I've turned into some kind of monster. At least that is what he tells me. Truth be told, I wouldn't mind him just kissing me more or maybe cuddling with me on the couch. Hell, he spends most of his day in here on the computer while I sit in the living room alone because if I come in here, he gets pissy and tells me to leave. [sighs] I'm just not sure what to do about this subject.

It kills me to know that I'm in love with someone who isn't my husband. Yeah, you read that right. It happened a while back but no matter what me and this guy do, we know we may never be together. We live too far apart to even see one another. Plus, I'm damaged with extra baggage and he has his own troubles to deal with. Sometimes fate is a cruel mistress and never have I hated her so much. Don't get me wrong, I love Chody...I'm just not as in love with him anymore. We've grown apart and it shows...badly. I've wanted so badly to fix what we have, but I don't know how. We're trying to change but its hard to do when you've grown so used to being one way.

...Well...I'm done for now. Just...had to get some stuff out there and I trust you guys more than anyone physically around me...

I've made a huge decision without having anyone push me to do it. I've decided to make things work between me and Chody. He is what I need and I've given up on what I want. I've waited for too long on that person I've wanted and I've just given up. There is no point in chasing a dream when you know it'll never come true, especially when you've got a wonderful dream right in front of you and you've just been too stupid to realize what it was.

You've all heard me complain about Chody and our marriage. We're both still very young and we have a lot to learn about one another. I've told him some things I've been keeping from him and I feel good about it. I'm glad I no longer have things to hide from him. It feels amazing to be honest with him for once in our relationship. I just wish I had done it sooner rather than later. Oh well. He has forgiven me for everything and I just hope he really has forgiven me. I need him more than he thinks. I'm just glad that for once in my 20 years of living, I'm making a decision on my own and I'm not letting anyone influence me in any way.


Kinda how I'm feeling at the moment...

I don't know why I was expecting some fanfare when I suddenly showed up here again. I think I kind of left on a weird note or something, I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel like a stranger here. Sure, I'm different than I was when I left, but I'm still the same person. Did that make any sense? I'm sure it did but sometimes I wonder. I've come back as a more level headed person. I've worked out my life and I'm doing things to make me happy. I'm steadily dropping weight and in February, I'm going on a lovely cruise for my three year anniversary. Even so, I feel like something is missing. I feel empty almost... I don't really know why I feel this way but I assume I'll get over it eventually. Oh well. Small little post this time around pretty blog.