Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

by **Kathryn Lacey** Fri Nov 13, 2009 10:28 pm

That's means we'll get it tomorrow. heheh

by **Sunwolf007** Sat Nov 14, 2009 3:30 am

By my count its the 14th so where is the announcement! [looks at watch and sees that it is 2:30 am]

by Weiss Sat Nov 14, 2009 5:47 am

Oh, you didn't hear? We're announcing the winner at 11:59:59.999999999 p.m. tonight.

by **Fate Flyer** Sat Nov 14, 2009 10:34 am

ALL PARTICIPANTS PLEASE NOTE:

If you would like to read a critique of your writing by Weiss, please say so, and he shall post it here publicly, so that all may benefit from his advice. If you would rather it not be public, then you simply will not get a critique of your story, at the request of Weiss. So, if you'd like to read a critique of your story here, please do say so!

by **Sunwolf007** Sat Nov 14, 2009 12:38 pm

Weiss wrote:Oh, you didn't hear? We're announcing the winner at 11:59:59.999999999 p.m. tonight.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Laughing

Anyway I would like a critique of my story by all those judges willing to give me one. So whatever I have to do to get the critique let me know and I will accomplish it.

by Guest Sat Nov 14, 2009 2:30 pm

Sure, I would like a critique.

by Ab'Sinthe Sat Nov 14, 2009 4:18 pm

I'd love to read the critique ^_^ But even more so.. read who won. Very Happy

by **Hello Danger** Sat Nov 14, 2009 4:26 pm

I'll take a critique, too.

by Reffy Sat Nov 14, 2009 7:21 pm

WOOOP - critique please Very Happy

by **Kathryn Lacey** Sat Nov 14, 2009 8:11 pm

I am among the masses who would like a critique. I always love to improve. ^^_^^

by Guest Sat Nov 14, 2009 9:35 pm

While you guys are the hollywood stars down below waiting for your Emmy. I'm the uncontrollable fan dancing in their pants behind you guys and sniffing your necks whenever possible. XD

I LOVE YOUUUUUU KATHRIIIIIIINE!

AND YOU'RE A SEXY BEAST SILVOOOOOOONE!

*eagerly awaits the announcement*

by **Kathryn Lacey** Sat Nov 14, 2009 9:51 pm

You've misspelled my name. Some fan you are. ^o_~^

by Guest Sat Nov 14, 2009 10:02 pm

Wow that's just embarrassing. Embarassed

by **Kathryn Lacey** Sat Nov 14, 2009 10:12 pm

An easy way to remember my name's spelling... sort of... is to think of it as two syllables. Syllables is spelled with a "y," and a "y" is in my name... So you can remember that it's pronounced kath-rin rather than kath-reen, so you don't place an "e" at the end.

Okay... that was probably super cheesy and dumb, but oh well. That's what I get for making it up on the spot...

Anyway, I'm beginning to get the feeling that Weiss was being completely serious when he said, "We're announcing the winner at 11:59:59.999999999 p.m. tonight." hahahahah

by **Fate Flyer** Sat Nov 14, 2009 11:27 pm

Without any further adieu, we are at last ready to announce a winner!

While us judges can agree that there were more than just a couple of stories fighting for the number one spot, there can only be one winner to our contest. There was much discussion on who exactly that winner would be up until the last minute, but I believe we have at last settled on a decision.

The judges' pick for our Ghost Stories 2009 winner is...

Hello Danger for his story Loved to Death!!!

Congratulations, Hello Danger! We, the judges, felt that your story not only encompassed the theme quite well, but that the story itself was thrilling, and the delivery was excellent. There was a surprisingly amount of development that didn't all have to occur in a usual and obvious manner, and the somewhat open ending left the feeling of the entire story to be very effective. Very well done!

I will present you with your badge via PM very soon (most likely within the next day or two), and you are free to PM me with your art request whenever you like!

Well done, all of you! We all enjoyed reading your stories, and for those of you looking to get critiqued, you shall receive that shortly from Weiss and also possibly Kalon, so keep your eyes on this thread!

by **Kathryn Lacey** Sat Nov 14, 2009 11:42 pm

Congratulations, Danger! You totally deserved it! ^^_^^

by **Hello Danger** Sun Nov 15, 2009 12:02 am

WOW! Thank you sooo much Fate, onenitedrive, Weiss, and Kalon! There were so many well written and amazing stories its an honor to win! After reading all the entries I knew it would be close, and clearly with the judging coming down to the deadline, it was! Again, I want to thank the judges, and also I want to thank all of the other writers, without you guys it wouldn't have been a contest!

Seriously, this is my first true short story I've EVER finished! I owe it to FOG - all its mods and members!

heart

by Reffy Sun Nov 15, 2009 2:37 am

Congrats, Hello Danger!!!!! Very Happy

A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER* - Page 4 425660

by Guest Sun Nov 15, 2009 5:44 am

Yay for Hello Danger! Congrats, man cheers

by Ab'Sinthe Sun Nov 15, 2009 9:08 am

Congarats Danger! ^_^

Now where's my critique... Wink

by **Fate Flyer** Sun Nov 15, 2009 10:22 am

Congrats again, Danger! Clap

I'm very happy for you. Aww

I will let Weiss (and Kalon, if he is critiquing also) post their own critiques for all of you guys here, so I'm sure they will be up very shortly.

by **Bird of Hermes** Sun Nov 15, 2009 6:45 pm

Congratulations!

by **Sunwolf007** Sun Nov 15, 2009 8:18 pm

Congrats Hello Danger.

by **Hello Danger** Mon Nov 16, 2009 12:56 am

Thanks everyone! Very Happy

by Weiss Mon Nov 16, 2009 4:33 am

First, congratulations to Hello Danger! We had a number of excellent entries, so I congratulate you all on your hard work come to fruition. I enjoyed reading through each story, and I can honestly say that I was surprised at the diversity between each of their central themes. Thank you all for participating!

That said, keep the following in mind:
Do not be offended or discouraged by my critiques. I have a tendency to notice flaws more quickly than I notice the positive elements of anything. As such, I may have inadvertently focused more on the flaws of each piece than on the good points. My critiques are accurate insofar as my opinion is concerned, but they may not reflect every single up or down that ultimately influenced my decisions.

Kathryn Lacey

Spoiler:

Anima 0027

Story Elements

ORIGINALITY: 8 out of 10
THEME: 9 out of 10
IMMERSION: 7 out of 10
TOTAL: 8 out of 10

Literacy

STRUCTURE: 9 out of 10
GRAMMAR: 7 out of 10
FLOW: 6 out of 10
TOTAL: 7.3 out of 10

Cumulative Total:

A creative idea for a story, but a sub-par execution. Though it neared the word limit for the contest, there was a great deal of wasted text that could have been better spent establishing context for the world in which the story takes place, or any number of other details that were ultimately left to the vacuum of ambiguity.

The story followed the contest theme closely enough, but it still wasn’t particularly inclusive of ghosts or spirits. They were mentioned, but they didn’t feel like a part of the story so much as conveniently placed ornaments that existed only out of necessity. The main character has the DNA of a ghost, but that ghost isn’t actually a part of the story; nor is the character a ghost or spirit. She is a human with powers reminiscent of ghosts or spirits. Charlie the Ghost makes a short appearance, but in the end he’s just a short cameo leading into the fighting scene between Anima and the Suits. Again, yes, that places a ghost into the story, but it doesn’t feel as if the ghosts were a part of the story. In my eyes, there’s a very big difference.

Many parts of the piece were choppy. A lot of things that could have used explanation went unexplained, seemingly out of convenience, and there were times when the tempo would shift spontaneously, to the point that I sometimes had to reread to make sure I hadn’t skipped over something that would explain why a scene was so hastily drawn to a close.

It was a fairly creative idea, but not something ground-breaking with the plethora of media involving human-esque creatures with supernatural powers, or actual humans who manifest special abilities through this method or the other. If you're a fan of the X-men, Heroes or any of a great deal of Japanese anime, this particular concept isn't anything new.

The story did take the ghost angle in a different direction, which scored it an extra point in the Originality department. When you think of ghosts and spirits, you wouldn't usually think of action. Granted, this all falls back to the X-men and Heroes points made above, but taking the given theme in a direction that deviates from the conventional norm is worth some credit.

Ultimately, it could have been quite a bit better, and the score was hurt by the lack of attention to the story's flow more than anything. Parts that should have been concise were dragged on beyond reason, while areas that could have greatly benefited from additional attention were neglected. It made the story hard to enjoy. After factoring in personal taste, I give it a 7 out of 10.

Reffy

Spoiler:

The Underground

Story Elements

ORIGINALITY: 8 out of 10
THEME: 7 out of 10
IMMERSION: 6 out of 10
TOTAL: 7 out of 10

Literacy

STRUCTURE: 7 out of 10
GRAMMAR: 6 out of 10
FLOW: 5 out of 10
TOTAL: 6 out of 10

Cumulative Total: 6.5 out of 10

While the story was unique in concept, it didn’t flow particularly well. It often shifted between future tense and present tense, which detracted from the consistency and made it difficult to properly understand.

At first, the piece presents itself as a narrative of what will occur. However, as the story progresses, it takes the form of a present-tense narrative of what is occurring as the author – the speaker – is narrating.

The story itself isn’t particularly inclusive of ghosts or spirits. While there is a mention of spirits when the subject is traveling down the burgundy-lit path and floating down the river on the barge, they’re treated as ornaments rather than a part of the story. The theme states that ghosts and spirits must be included in the story in some way. While one could argue that they were included, I personally feel that the piece didn’t follow the theme to an acceptable degree.

I did like the unique approach that was used for the story. In theory, it could have made a huge impact on the reader, since it seems to be speaking directly to the audience. It has a foreboding sense, and the urgency expressed throughout the piece creates a feeling of dread at the thought of what consequences might await if you failed to follow the instructions properly.

The cliffhanger aspect of the whole thing was also fitting for something that was meant to hold a spooky tone. In addition to the aforementioned points about contemplating the consequences of failing to follow the instructions, subtle hints are given about exactly what is being detailed throughout the narrative while the final judgment on what exactly is occurring is left to the reader's discretion. It's a journey into the character's soul, where he or she will gamble for the right to have their questions answered, but why did this come to pass? Normally, the lack of details as to why the story has progressed thus far would invoke a lower rating from me, but it's used effectively (if perhaps inadvertently) in this story to create a constant feeling of suspense.

It was an interesting idea, and it held a lot of potential, but the execution wasn’t quite up to par. As a total, I give it a 6 out of 10 based on the above score less a couple of partial points for personal taste.

Ab'Sinthe

Spoiler:

Hello Danger

Spoiler:

Loved to Death

Story Elements

ORIGINALITY: 8/10
THEME: 10/10
IMMERSION: 9/10
TOTAL: 9/10

Literacy

STRUCTURE: 9/10
GRAMMAR: 8/10
FLOW: 8/10
TOTAL: 8.3/10

Cumulative Total: 8.7/10

Good Points:

Definitely something that fits the Halloween theme. It’s spooky and, while leaving some build-up to be desired between each of the scenes, keeps a constant sense of dreadful suspense rolling through the whole story.
While the plot of a ghost seeking to be reunited with its living family isn’t something unheard of, it’s far from common. Furthermore, the delivery was excellent. Any teen can identify with Jon on the basic level. He’s a teenage boy with a baby sister who won’t stop crying, and he’s stuck at home on a rainy night with the task of taking care of her. Suddenly, he’s thrown into a Horror flick; but this time, there’s no happy ending for the hero – or is there? I love it.
The ending, as touched on by my previous point, deviates from the usual and leaves one wondering whether the story ended on a good note or a bad one. While the entire family was killed out of the unquenched feelings of ‘love’ from the woman they’d recently lost, they were reunited with her in the afterlife, where they can once again be a family. Some would argue that true love would be watching over one’s family as they aged and lived happily, but others might not feel that way. The fact that the ending leaves itself available to interpretation by the individual is part of what makes the delivery of this story so effective. It isn’t clear cut, so the reader has to decide.
Context was established fairly well, even if not in the most obvious of ways. It was never expressly stated how the mother died, but based on Jon’s dream, we can surmise that she passed away while giving birth to the baby girl. The fact that Danger incorporated the backstory into the story itself, rather than having to explain the setting in black and white text, made the piece flow more smoothly.

Bad Points:

Everything felt a bit rushed. A bit more description might have aided the attempt to create an eeriness both when the lights went out and when the ghost of Jon’s mother made her appearances.
As stated before, the plot, at its roots, is nothing extremely new and unique. This truly doesn’t even deserve a spot on the Bad Points list, though, since it was delivered in a way that made it feel completely fresh to me.

Final Rating: 9/10

Silvone Elestahr

Spoiler:

The Dance of Death

Story Elements

ORIGINALITY: 10/10
THEME: 10/10
IMMERSION: 7/10
TOTAL: 9/10

Literacy

STRUCTURE: 9/10
GRAMMAR: 8/10
FLOW: 9/10
TOTAL: 8.7/10

Cumulative Total: 8.9/10

Good Points:

This story is more what I was expecting from the given theme. While it isn’t particularly Halloween-y, it does have a deep involvement of ghosts. They are central to the story and play a very large role in its execution.
The concept behind the story is completely unique. I honestly found myself wishing there was more to it simply so that I could better understand the world in which the events of the story are unfolding.
The scenes described are done in a tasteful manner. Murder, or death in general, can easily be overdrawn out of a desire to be flashy and to create a cheap sense of realism within the reader; however, I find that such methods are much akin to the “scream tactic” used by horror movies. You may jump in your seat and scream, but that’s nothing more than a reflex, rather than a true feeling of fright or dread. The way he described the scenes, and the scenes he described, played into the story and were detailed enough to rouse the intended emotions without going overboard.
TL;DR – It’s a very tasteful piece, in spite of the themes included.

Bad Points:

The ending was a bit sudden. The rest of the story was drawn out well for a piece with a word limit, but the final scene drew to a close so quickly that the built up feelings of suspense weren’t really sated by the answers that were given. I would have liked a bit more dialogue in the aftermath of the visions, or some further reflection by Little Rock. Perhaps even a short scene that describes her leaving the dark grove and making her way back home, but leaving the knife, the instrument of destruction, behind. For such a dramatic piece, the ending was too unflattering.
I’d have liked a bit more setting. To my understanding, Little Rock starts out in a small village surrounded by strange plants called gula that are slowly converging upon their sanctuary in an attempt to choke out the remaining life from the people who still make a scarce living there. However, it’s later implied that Little Rock was around long enough to have witnessed more affluent tribes before the gula came along. A bit of flavor text involving the first appearance of the gula and how things came to be so bad would have been a wonderful addition to the piece.
Emotions were underplayed. Since there’s no clear statement of her age, it’s hard to establish the context for her reactions, but I can only imagine that Little Rock is in her early to mid teens given the labeling of Father and Mother and her adolescent view of things throughout the story. While Silvone did a fantastic job of writing the story through the girl’s eyes – even in third-person, as it was – I don’t think the girl’s responses were quite flamboyant enough. Her fear, her dread, her shock, her amazement; they were all lackluster.

Final Rating: 9/10

Sunwolf007

Spoiler:

If you'd like to discuss my critiques, or if you want me to expand on a particular point, please feel free to request it of me. However, keep in mind that the judgments are final, so from here on, everything should be for learning purposes only.

That said, I also do not intend to come across as the end-all when it comes to opinionated critiquing. I am only judging by my own criterion, so please remember that others may have a different opinion than I do about this or that aspect of your story. When it comes right down to it, my ratings are based on my opinion, and will not change because of anyone's opinion but my own. Please keep that in mind.

As a final point, since this caused a bit of confusion during the judging process, I'd like to point out the way that I scored each piece. You may notice, looking through them, that I graded each one based on a fundamental criteria. I took the important elements of a story and turned them into a grading sheet, then filled out said sheet based on my opinion of how well the story performed in each category. Afterward, I took a cumulative score of both categories.

The Cumulative Score is how well I feel you did based only on that criteria. In other words, it's my opinion of how well-written the story was. The Final Score, located at the end of each critique, is the Cumulative Score rounded up or down based on how much the story appealed to me. If it greatly appealed to me, it was rounded up. If it didn't particularly appeal to me, it was rounded down.

by Deadman - D17 Mon Nov 16, 2009 11:00 am

Oh...

Congrats Danger!! A little delayed but.. yeah

If it's possible, could I also have a review of my story? Smile

?

by Reffy Mon Nov 16, 2009 12:39 pm

Thank you, Weiss Smile

Hoping to see KO's notes too Smile

I put this story forwards to the AWR-lot and got pretty much the same notes. They liked the idea and the fact I was experimenting but the execution was a little crap. Switching tenses, felt like they were reading instructions to building a bookcase, the future tense doesn't allow for immersion or feeling to be provoked as a normal story might - etc.

I disagree with the ghosts comment - but it is your opinion and I ain't here to try and change that. Admittedly the story wasn't solely about the ghosts, so you are right there I suppose Smile

I still like the way the ghosts were described and thought it was very poetical. Smile

I am glad that you got a little spooked and definitely got the cliffhanger thing Very Happy

Thank you for sharing the notes. Flirt

by **Gadreille** Mon Nov 16, 2009 4:37 pm

Congratulations Hello Danger!

by **Kalon Ordona II** Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:16 pm

The Underground ~ by Reffy
~ Critique by Kalon Ordona II ~

Spoiler:

Anima 0027 ~ by Kathryn Lacey
~ Critique by Kalon Ordona II ~

Spoiler:

More coming soon! Very Happy

by **Kathryn Lacey** Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:23 pm

Ugh... You know... I know the difference between ally and alley. It must have simply been a typo that I missed despite my proofreading. I am only human after all. hahahah

{EDIT}
I also want to add that it was already said that it didn't have to be a traditional ghost story in the sense of spookiness and such. We were told it only had to have ghosts in it.

Fate Foretold wrote:The theme of this contest, in relation to the upcoming Halloween holiday, is ghosts. Other horrific, supernatural, and paranormal ideas are also welcome, though ghosts and spirits must be included in some way.

Fate Foretold wrote:Nope, there is no specific genre in place, though horror would fit the bill easiest, but you could still write an action-packed ghostly tale or one more like a mystery or a drama, etc. You're also welcome to submit a past written work, so long as it fits the requirements.

{/EDIT}

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER

Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories WINNER